I woke up one morning last week out of a dream I don’t remember, but my immediate thought was, “what is my assignment today?”. That simple question reconfigured my entire stance to the day. Not as if I was going to be told what to do but more with a sense of openness and fascination about the possibility of the day… in fact, it opened up the possibility inherent in me, and created an energy and fascination about how things, no how I would unfold within the magic of the day.
And it dawned on me how I have been out of sync at work, and how that resistance I had there (too detailed to go into here) was infecting everything else in my life: relationships, creativity, passion, writing, music, physical engagement and on and on. I have since poured myself into work and counter intuitively have since opened up the channels, gates, electric conduits in so many other areas of my life. Wow.
This isn’t new. I’ve “known” this all along but had never really “understood” it at a cosmically visceral level. So, there it is, this energy and passion that never went away but had been buried in frustration.
Unleashed now, things are moving, things are opening up. I’m engaged, I’m together, I’m being, just being. A good thing I’d say.
… in which tracyshaun reflects on being a songwriter, poet, performer, etc. …
a typical view on my walks along Corte Madera Creek
It’s mid-October here in northern California. I write this from my little studio set-up in a small downstairs room in an old house in Marin County. It’s close enough to Corte Madera Creek that I get to walk along its banks with my dog and watch the movements of the tides from day to day. Mt. Tamalpais keeps watch over Ross Valley.
re-integration into the default world
Day 3 of being back and I’m having a serious come-down with the Burning Man buzz starting to fade… and seeing the awfully rickety way my current world is unfolding. I want to continue with this openness and excitement but the weight of the world and my responsibilities are getting to me. I even had second thoughts last night about some of the pictures I uploaded because they fall outside of the “acceptable” behavior model of a “professional” in the “working world”. Even before Burning Man, I wasn’t thinking much of that and most times not concerning myself too much with how I would be perceived in the business world. But, now, with my company in a tenuous position and the prospect of looking for new work looming, I’m battling myself in how I should be presenting myself to the world. Yet, in Black Rock City, my presentation was always uniquely me and uniquely wonderful, exactly right… accepting by all (radical inclusion). I get down and feel real sad about my second-guessing and self-imposed limitations.
If I can see the patterns of my life emerge in front and around me, why isn’t there the action to do differently? I had so much momentum in my creative and personal work a couple of months ago, though now it’s been stifled and I’m doing the same old things the same old way. The only difference now is that I can see the patterns clearly.
It’s an interesting question about how to maintain my individual integrity within the context of a larger group. How do I keep my own sense of self while keeping commitments to a group of people I’m working with?
Every once in a while, I get hit with a big and sudden loss-of-confidence in myself. Most of the times, this originates in questioning what I’m doing, why I’m doing and most importantly who I’m doing it for. I’ve come across this enough times to see a pattern in myself: