tracyshaun

This last week was filled with big ups & downs in my music.  I had become pretty discouraged about my songwriting and performing, wondering what it really was all about.  I missed Monday night’s open mic out at The Sleeping Lady and I’ve been stuck on a few new songs that I hadn’t completed.

I began the 5090 project in early July with 2 quick songs that came out pretty well.  I’m not expecting too much from the project but hope that the prospect of writing 50 songs in 90 days will help me break out of my “traditional” songwriting techniques and to try something new.  Maybe I’ll get 2 or 3 gems out of the bunch that I can work into something bigger.  Anyway, I hit those two songs well and then got stuck on a few other unfinished ones.  Not really because of the songs, but because of self-doubt and not getting the support I want from my family.

I rehearsed and practice some of my “older” songs (in truth, I’ve only been doing this for about a year now) and was feeling a little better on Tuesday when I headed out to the No Name bar on Tuesday night.  Damir hosts a great open mic in a great little bar in Sausalito.  The quality of folks coming through there is usually pretty great.

Anyway, I get up there and part of it was just bad timing.  Everyone had payed attention to a younger, more attractive woman songwriter just before me.  And it felt like the audience there needed a break.  They all went back to their drinks and conversations while I stood up there trying to engage them with a bit of story and making eye contact.  I played my 3 songs amid lots of talking.  I stayed through all the performers but went home feeling pretty down about what I was doing.

I sent out a tweet that night complaining about how I can’t figure out this stage presence thing and got a couple of tweets back from @oursausalito and @kveals2531 - great advice: play a role on stage and loosen up beforehand.  This got my performance brain turning a bit and Wednesday night came and it was time to do my 1/2 hour show on ustream, I stripped down the prep and went straight for the songs.  I let go and was much more comfortable playing and felt a bit more in touch with my voice.  I had been feeling pretty down about those shows, too, with only 2 or 3 folks (if that) showing up each time for the live show.  I know there are some friends that can’t listen at that time and go back to hear the recordings, but I was (and am) hoping for a little more than that seeing the great success Allison Weiss and Matthew Ebel is having doing the same thing.

The John Corbett Band hittin' the rockabilly hard!

Ah, but what I forgot to mention here is that I got a hold of a couple of free tickets (thanks to @MarinLocalMusic !) to go see The John Corbett Band (video!) at the The Red Devil Lounge.  If you don’t know, John Corbett played Chris on Northern Exposure, Aidan on Sex & The City and had a big part in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  Chris in the Morning was a bit of a hero to me when I was younger… well, in my 20’s.  I really responded to the character’s philosophical meanderings and his be here/now DJ persona.  It was at a great small club in the Nob Hill area and we were able to get up close to the stage.  I didn’t know what to expect, but I knew it might be a little too country for me.

Though, when he hit the stage, they rocked the place.  Partly because the band he had was amazingly tight and knew how to crank out some good old-fashioned rockabilly & country rock, but more because John was so loose on stage and most of all: he was HAVING FUN!  Whoa!  What a concept.  It wasn’t about emoting.  It wasn’t about conveying the meaning of the songs.  It wasn’t even about inhabiting some persona to live the song on stage.  He was just plain having fun.  And that was it.  That was they key.  I left that night on a high note and feeling really good about my earlier decision that day to make a run for it as a songwriter.

My songs aren’t perfect yet, but when I put myself onto something with passion and dedication and unending delight, I know that I can “figure it out” and make something real and something amazing out of it all.

Thursday night comes and I’m already pretty wiped out from having been out past 1am the two night before, but I took a so-called power nap, ate a bit of dinner and headed out to the open mic at Gaspare’s, hosted by Michael “Fire Fingers” Olsen.  It was noisy.  Very noisy.  A lot of folks eating great italian food but they were eating and talking and pretty unaware that there was music going on.  I took the “stage” (really, just a spot in the corner by the kitchen) and just played my freakin’ heart out.  Pacifico, a regular and a fine guitarist accompanied me.  I didn’t care too much that the first couple of songs were off and people weren’t paying attention.  I was having fun, but by the third song people started turning to look and listen and actually clap after each song.  I got to play nearly an hour since we didn’t have a full line-up that night.  It was amazing!  At one point, I stopped between songs and realized that I had been sweating profusely and didn’t even know it.  I hit a groove in my music that I hadn’t hit before.

I saw that it wasn’t really my music that was getting the attention.  It was me and my fun and my passion and my just good old fashioned joy at playing my songs.  That is what it’s all about.

This emboldened me to get excited again about writing & performing.  So much so that I finished up another two songs this weekend and recorded some rough demos for them on Sunday.  I’m up to songs #3 and #4 now (I don\’t cry for you & I am speechless too).  I’ve got a handful of other unfinished songs that I’m planning on finishing out this week.  Stay tuned and please I would love some feedback on what I’ve got so far… check out my page on the 5090 site.